The boldness to exist openly is something I’ve always struggled with. An internal voice will shroud me in doubt, even fear. Where does it come from? It’s insidious in nature and profoundly numbing to the nervous system. Over time the inner monologue leans less on “who do you think you are” and sounds more like, “whats the point?” This blockage is self-imposed and provides more heartbreak than reward for keeping yourself “grounded.”
I started making fashion content recently. The length of time it requires for me to make a single video varies but averaging roughly 30 minutes for a minute-long post. To help increase the productivity, I’ve started “scripting” the posts keeping things cohesive. There’s a lingering aftertaste I can’t seem to shake, a feeling of imposter syndrome.
Who am I to be making fashion content? The closest I can get to having something to say about fashion is from the consumer side. When I was in high school I asked my Dad if I could apply to Parson’s School of Design. When I told him I wanted to learn about fashion, he scoffed telling me to stick to something I already knew. The rejection shouldn’t have stung the way it did, but I’m mending that wound.
About two years ago I had a lovely older gay therapist named Bob. Bob introduced me to the cognitive behavioral therapy concept, “whose voice is that?” It helps you identify the voice you believe is yours with a traceable recounting to a narrative that was fed to you by someone you trusted. (DAMN!) Heavy stuff for Substack. Bob’s therapy was like reiki, no touch involved but a suggestion of support from proximity and attention. He provided the framework and I stewarded myself lovingly.
In The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, she suggests audacity is what makes artists emerge. Acting bold, risk taking and making a choice need careful monitoring. Audacity done blindly is prideful and self-indulgent. Audacity with curiosity or compulsion promotes growth and expansion of the creative-self. Whether or not I am a certified expert on fashion, I feel a necessary call to it in ways I can’t explain.
At my worst, my judgement clouds my ability to see others work with respect. At my best, I applaud anyone who creates and dares to exist openly. Audacity deserves more respect and less critique. Remember playing “truth or dare” growing up? Typically the ones who are the most shy/anxious will choose “truth.” The one’s who have nothing to lose, who perceive challenges as obstacles not as set-backs choose “dare.” Those who dare often receive applause. Audacity is becoming a sweet spot for me, even if it does feel a bit cringe at times.
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