Bartending for Dummies
fake it 'til you shake it.
Down the hatch.
Tending bar sort of fell into my lap. During the spring of 2020 I moved to southwest Colorado. The air was clean, the elevation was high and the opportunities felt possible at the small ghost town resort. Rent was free up on the mountain and staff meal was included when you were on the clock. The managers would gather for a weekly meeting discussing the governing rules around the pandemic and how the resort chose to proceed. Up on the mountain we sort of made our own rules. It wasn’t lawless but certainly loose and undocumented. There were demands made by guests visiting the property, among them the desire for a good drink. In 2020, I witnessed massive consumption of alcohol. Managing the hospitality for the saloon on property I had to learn how to make drinks like, yesterday.
I FaceTimed a friend of mine in Oakland as there was no cellular service on the property. At 9,000 feet elevation we didn’t have much but we had wifi. My friend knows a lot about spirits and helped manage a bar before so her perspective was insightful. Independently of that conversation, I talked to a couple of other friends that had bartended before and they gave their advice too. When it comes to the act, nothing can prepare you for the continuous learning curve that is bartending.
My friend who was running the property as the director of operations gave me an incredible amount of autonomy with the bar. The resort was on a bit of a buying freeze so we had to creatively work with the inventory. The moment I picked up the jigger and started stirring and shaking, the bar was mine. I love the power that comes with bartending. I can only compare the experience to what a dominatrix must feel like. Guests entered through the creaky saloon doors knowing the only “fun” on the mountain is my presence. I hastily created cocktails named after personal affiliations, “The Miuccia Prada,” “The Lindsay Collins,” “We Out Here,” “Mama’s Negroni.” Bartending quickly became my improvised one-man show.
Some facts and some dogmatic beliefs about Bartending
When using a jigger, start with syrups, then juices followed by the spirit. This helps wash out the jigger before you make the next cocktail.
When making multiple drinks, finish the drinks with ice first, then the drinks without ice last. Cold common sense.
Always restock at the end of the shift.
Always stock at the beginning of the shift.
When in doubt, just say you’re out of something. Try and stay behind the bar.
As the bartender, you choose who gets to order first based on aura, vibe and manners. No questions asked.
Try and peel fresh citrus for the best oil expression.
Maria Sharapova likes Paper Planes.
We love a cocktail recipe that is equal parts.
You’re controlling dilution. The people need ice cold not watery.
No matter how much space you have, its never enough, however, too much space is a nightmare.
No one will ever think you’re legit if you cant stir and shake at the same time.
Learn to make the “classics” properly, then just do whatever you think feels good.
Double straining cocktails might be overrated.
A dry martini still has vermouth in it.
Servers rarely know how to take a drink order, best to ask yourself.
Always have salt behind the bar, takes a mocktail from wow to WOW! Of course margaritas and such.
When you close the bar, power hose the whole station because if any surface is sticky, you’re basically a dirtbag.
Use less tools, wash them frequently.
Always have back-up juice.
Whatever complicated cocktail order comes your way, free yourself by saying, “I’ll do my best.”
When workshopping a drink, if you make five variations and still don’t have “it,” move on.
The better the vermouth the better the martini.
Always have one egg at the bar.
Bartending is a skill only 3% of the overall hospitality industry possesses, don’t take shit from anyone.
A drink shouldn’t take longer than 5-7 minutes to make and serve.
Make the drink well once, avoid having it sent back.
Sometimes the easiest drink orders get fulfilled first. Ticket times are somewhat relevant.
The bartender is the arbiter of consumption. Handling intoxication is the bartenders livelihood, please consult the expert.
Like a drug dealer, the bartender is the supplier of the “good time.” Respect, above all is paramount when it comes to bartenders. They crank out drinks, they maintain the glow. If you’re lucky in this lifetime, you’ll have the opportunity to work a bar. It’s pure theater. I have left many bartending shifts under the assumption I could nail an audition at The Julliard. The adrenaline exerted often needs tender recouping. A supportive phone call with a friend, a delicious meal, sitting in the peaceful silence of your home will help keep you centered. Working a bar is equivalent to being in a pressure cooker. Pacing is fast and stakes feel high. In the end, you let out the steam slowly and come down from the high that was busting your ass while maintaining the brightest smile in the room.
Pici with Wild Mushrooms and Garlic-Parsley Butter
I wanted to create something painfully simple and slightly tedious. It’s as if I couldn’t bare the weight of making anything truly easy. The pursuit of fresh pasta is 60% of the recipe. The entanglement and chew of a freshly rolled piece of pici boosts the whimsy of it all. I urge you to not be formulaic or precise. Consider handmade pasta a meditation. Remind yourself that you’re not in control, rather organically let it happen. When the plates are pulled and the food hits, you just might lean into feelings of happiness.
Serves 4, *Please note, this is pasta as dinner portions, please scale as needed.
For the Pasta:
200g OO Flour
pinch kosher salt
1 large egg, plus 3 yolks
semolina for dusting
For the Musrhooms and Garlic-Parsley Butter:
650g Wild Mushrooms, mixed, trimmed of their ends and separated into small clusters (I used maitake, oyster, and beech mushrooms)
100ml extra virgin olive oil
113g unsalted butter, softened
1/2 bunch parsley, stems removed, finely chopped
5 cloves of garlic, core removed, finely chopped
flakey salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
Making the pasta:
In a large bowl combine OO flour, salt, and eggs. Break up the eggs with a bowl scraper. Hydrate the flour by mixing and squeezing the dough. If the dough feels dry and is not coming together easily, spray or trickle water onto the dough until it forms in mass. The dough itself should not feel wet or sticky, rather it should feel smooth and soft. Kneed the dough for 10-15 minutes on a dry surface. After 10-15 minutes the dough should spring back when an impression is made.
Rest the dough wrapped in plastic wrap for 1 hour at room temperature. Dust a small tray with semolina flour for the finished product. After an hour, divide the dough into small pieces resembling boba straws one inch in length. Work one piece of dough at a time with the remaining pieces under a damp cloth. Take the piece of pasta and begin rolling it in the palm of your hands focusing on extending the length. Transfer to a dry work surface using both hands and gentle pressure steadily work on elongating the individual piece until it resembles thick spaghetti. Transfer pici to the semolina dusted tray and continue. The process speeds up after the first few. *this is an organic shape, don’t be too precious, done is better than good.
Mushrooms and Garlic-Parsley Butter:
Preheat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add 50ml of olive oil to the pan and cook half of the mushrooms avoiding stirring for at least 3-5 minutes. Check for browning, stir, and leave mushrooms alone for another 3-5 minutes. The mushrooms should be caramelized and browned not taking more than 15 minutes to cook for each batch. When the first one is complete, repeat the process storing finished mushrooms aside.
In a small bowl combine butter, chopped parsley, garlic, a big pinch of flakey salt and a couple of grinds of freshly ground black pepper. Stir the butter together for even distribution and set aside.
Finish the dish:
Using a large pot, boil water for pasta seasoning the water with salt. Utilizing the same pan to cook the mushrooms, add mushrooms and garlic-parsley butter to the pan keeping it off the heat. Add pici to the salted boiling water for one minute. Remove with a sieve or tongs adding right into the large skillet with mushrooms. *You may want to utilize a larger pan/pot to accommodate and avoid making a mess. Turn the heat on to medium high and add a generous ladle of pasta water to the pan. Stir occasionally, and allow the mixture to bubble and steam. Allow the first addition of pasta water to evaporate before adding more pasta water. Cook the pici in the sauce for 5-7 minutes. When the pan looks velvety, glossy and has the appearance of earthy satin, test a noodle, the texture should be gently al dente. Pasta is best on the saucier side, however, not watery. The butter will emulsify into the sauce with the help of heat and pasta water once the pici is fully cooked. It’s almost magical how it all comes together in the end.
❤️❤️❤️