Bittersweet Sympathy

Recipe: Pistachio Lava Cake

The places you go when things don’t go your way.

I applied for an internship to work in Rome for six months. The application alone was deep and tedious which is no surprise because of its affiliation with the American Academy in Rome. After obtaining a doctor’s note, two letters of recommendation, condensing my diploma to the right gigabyte for a PDF, writing a compelling essay for a cover letter, I waited well over a month to hear back. What I did find surprising within myself was just how much I wanted it.

I visualized walking down Via Margutta collecting the images searing them into my memory. The classical stone pine trees dotted around Rome transform from being my phone’s wallpaper to my life’s wallpaper. I didn’t get it though. I was about to hop on a CitiBike and opened my email. There it was right at the top, a letter from the RSFP (Rome Sustainable Food Project). “Dear Robert…” I already knew how the letter would read. Tucked away in cells of my brain I sensed the rejection within the email. Though it was complimentary, an attempt to soften the blow, the feeling registered equally as relief and heartache.

The complexities of the human condition will forever be mysterious. How can we feel two opposing emotions simultaneously? I have come to understand there’s a duality constantly at play. I have a quiet internal compass fighting to keep me on track whilst my outward personality is giving the thematic show, “fake it ‘til you make it.” The more my internal compass collides with “the show” I land in this purgatorial state. The neutrality forces a kind of ego death.

On the CitiBike, heading to work, I glanced up at the sky. There was a plane set to land at Laguardia. The clouds were fluffy and matte like the most enticing pavlova you’ve ever seen. The sun was making its appearance and I embraced a profound sense of calm from within. “All will be right in the world.” I tossed my vape in the trash, knowing I don’t need a vice like this right now, especially with the news I received. I accepted a new truth. What I already have is where I meant to be. Spiritually, I believe, for every rejection, every denied opportunity, there's another door to open. This door opens up and brings you closer to divinity, to who you truly are.

I wrote down over a year ago the kind of person I admire. I look up to people who try, who have audacity. I aspire to be a person who knows they might fail and tries despite the odds. When I think back to what I wrote, I see myself now. I’ve become the person I aspired to be. I’m living in my power, trusting my dreams, thrilled to be creative and patiently loving myself the way I ought to be loved.