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I’ll write in my morning pages about what “making it” feels like. I’ll close my eyes and see myself entering a stage where I can’t see any faces in the crowd but the spotlights on me. Appearing out of the darkness from stage left, clicker in hand, my dream begins. An opening sentence recited from memory but spoken with improvisational flair. I’ve dreamt about giving a TED Talk. I’ve noticed that more important than the speaker and their charisma is the subject. When I consider my opportunity to genuinely speak from the heart there's only one way I could go. The TED Talk I want to give is titled, “service and ego death.”
Slide 1: The waiter knows nothing.
I’m blessed to know a very wise soul named Leah. One day at work, we were standing by the POS terminal and she mentioned that she unlocked a new trick in service. Gatekeeping was popular at the time, though her and I would often share our successes and failures as a way to connect. Leah said, “I just play dumb with these tables and it works so well.” She admitted to releasing the power to know more for the pleasure of ease. After accepting this wisdom and trying it out myself, I saw gates to new realms opening up. I could float around the restaurant, peacefully, knowing I had no desire to be the smartest person in the room. I no longer felt any intimidation approaching a new table. Freeing myself from the pressure to know everything ushered in a new form of agility. We’ve all been exposed to the antiquated expression, “the customer is always right.” I say, “let them.”
Slide 2: Having a profound sense of awe.
Do you remember as a child building anticipation around something you really wanted to do? Do you remember the overwhelming sense of gratitude you had and the full body elation coinciding with the magical moment? Why does it have to stop at childhood? We don’t have to become sarcastic and take things for granted. The serum of wonder and imagination is a potent form of the divine. As adults I think we want to predict what will happen because we understand and know the patterns. Throw all that out. Make a new choice. Choose to be surprised, choose to be changed, choose to be in awe. Whatever it takes to get to that place, there’s still time.
Slide 3: Surrender.
When serving others, surrender. Have zero expectations of yourself and the person sitting in the chair. Slouching towards self actualization requires atonement for yourself, first. The cost of doing battle, especially when ego is involved, is a toll that never reaches fulfillment. Let go. Words and feelings are things. Their ephemerality has no weight. Pay no mind. What you owe yourself is exploration and creativity of the highest value. No one can offer you that liberation other than yourself. Surrender yourself to others not knowing what could happen. What takes place is all you need to be present for.
Slide 4: Be the server that says “we” not “oui.”
Placating to your coworkers, your boss, the customer moves your further away from the “true self.” One of the mysteries of life is how we are all connected. In the microclimate of a restaurant valuable and successful teams adopt a “we” mentality. You’re trained by these restaurants to consider the “bigger picture.” A holistic approach to running a restaurant has considerable gains. Every worker, every customer matters. Unshakable boundaries are involved. When health is the priority, it’s not about saying yes. A team that values everyone's contributions cannot fail, even if they come close.
Slide 5: We’re more alike than different.
I loved when empathy took off and almost became its own economy. Just like therapy, people weaponize empathy. The never-ending onslaught of emotions packed into having “empathy” isn’t that useful or productive. I imagine connection under a simple mindset. We are more alike than different. In the late summer of 2020, I was sitting in conversation at John Sutcliffe’s ranch/vineyard in South-West Colorado. John is a lively Welshman who keeps various kinds of company. His staunch Republican neighbors were visiting for the evening. We got on pretty well to start. When we inevitably arrived at politics. I didn’t see them as different from me. The two lovely individuals in front of me were John’s neighbors and we’re both guests in his home. Instead of planting myself firmly in my values, I saw them as if they were neighbors of my own. They take great care of their belongings, they are mindful of the community, they embrace personalities, even if they’re different from their own. There was an initial drawing of a line in the sand. The service person I am decided to sweep away the line and find something meaningful. We laughed and discussed the hypocrisies of government, money, taxes, healthcare, etc. What we created that night was a shared interest in just being in each other's company. No one was strong-arming the other for higher ground. The rules felt simple; I see you, you see me. “You never know what someone is going through,” was the realization we all agreed on. To me, that feels more like empathy. You’ll likely never know the experience the same way someone else experienced it. A gracious gift you can afford a person is the peace and respect that you don’t know the depths of what they’re going through but you can just be there with them.
Slide 6: Reciprocity.
When you have it, pay it forward tenfold. Make an agreement with yourself that you will serve like it’s your last day serving. For what it was worth, every single investment you pay back in dividends. What I love about reciprocity is knowing the best time to give back after you’ve allowed yourself to sit in the gratitude of what's happened for you. Authenticity shows up and you speak clearly. Your thoughts have weight matched with maturity. When you train someone at your job, share the joys that they may come to know. When you speak about your career, prioritize speaking about the things you’ve learned. Giving back may truly be the only way forward.
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