Have you ever felt like you’re on such a good trajectory only to be hit with news that derails your confidence in “the work” you’re doing? Let me tell you what, it blows. A man I recently hooked up with informed me that I should get tested because he tested positive for gonorrhea. Before I dive further, I struggled to write about this experience for fear of shame. I am not trying to destigmatize STI’s. I’m motivated by the aftermath around treatment and choosing differently. I went to the clinic in Ft. Greene and within 24 hours I got the call. I tested positive for not only gonorrhea but chlamydia as well. When it rains it pours, right?
I’ve been to the Ft. Greene clinic many times. Once you get tested you await your results and hope they don’t call. When the call comes with the news, the rest of your day is shot. Luckily, the only things I tested positive for were those two line items. You can’t help but to experience even a gram of shame. I almost believe that the “S” in STI might stand for shame. During my treatment visit the doctor told me that someone “like me” should get tested every three months. “Hmm,” I thought to myself. “Someone like me.” In my head, my mind was already made up. “Bitch, you’ll never see me again.”
I had already made up my mind regarding my choices as of late. I’ve veered slightly off path for where I want to take my life. In the three years I’ve been living in Brooklyn, my world is beginning to feel small. I had the same doctor at the clinic that issued my penicillin shots when I had syphilis. One of the men in the waiting area was someone I hooked up with previously. The “familiar faces” made me cringe more than comfort me. When I layed down facing the wall before the injection, I made a promise to myself. Choose differently. As the syringe emptied and I fought back the shame cloud threatening to conjure up tears, I vowed to my internal compass to choose differently.
My friend Halley asked me, “what can I do to support you?” I told her, “hold me accountable.” It starts with me. I’ve been in fear and self-loathing for years. Getting hit with a double diagnosis doesn’t sit well. Generally, I take great care of my body. I am physical, I eat well, I rarely overeat, I prioritize sleep and I have a robust social life that fills my cup. I guess in a world of vices, my sexual health has been unchecked leading to where I am now. I don’t think I’m causing myself harm, but in a way I’m not being honest.
I want to know a version of myself in romantic love. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, besides Katrina who I dated for 48 hours during a Christian overnight ski camp. I know that doesn’t count. As a gay man, I have never known romantic love. For years I felt wounded and undeserving of it. I’ve had therapists tell me that I was “too idealistic.” Right before I deleted Grindr one of my favorite men to hookup with messaged me. As my thumb hovered over the delete button to take a first step, I reminded myself, choose differently. The immediate satisfaction from hooking up is great, however, I know anything I truly desire will require growth, which is hard at first. Tomorrow I’ll take my last two pills to complete my treatment. When the diagnosis and treatment feel like a distant past, I hope I can embrace fear, make friends with her and meet people I haven’t when I choose differently.
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